From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of things, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up...AND...because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed...AND because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
7 Degrees of Blonde
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.
The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I
don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry.. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The
blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes,
officer, I'm justfine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did
this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in
front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right
and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and
forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.
The husband inquired, "Who was that?" to which the wife replied, "I
don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry.. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The
blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes,
officer, I'm justfine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did
this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in
front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right
and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on
this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and
forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Sunday, December 24, 2006
If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What
seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly
in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running
late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What
seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly
in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running
late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Skipping The Grade
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied,
"Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and
a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit
tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief andtold the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied,
"Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and
a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit
tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,
you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief andtold the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Midlife for Women
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you
realize you are now so old, you have to pay
someone to look at you naked.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we
have wingspans...we are no longer women in
sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front
of a mirror and can see your rear end without
turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for
a mammogram and you realize it is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold
when you're in the grocery store and you hear a
Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce
department.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you
don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws
you curves...and that you're now sitting on
your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife
...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now
includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.
(more red and blue lines than an accurately
scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you want to grab every
firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those
things will too!
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side.
You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing
know-it-all teenager and think, "For this
I have stretch marks?
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go.
The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in midlife. You
start pondering the "big" questions-- what is
life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice
cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
realize you are now so old, you have to pay
someone to look at you naked.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we
have wingspans...we are no longer women in
sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front
of a mirror and can see your rear end without
turning around.
You know you are getting old when you go for
a mammogram and you realize it is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless in film.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold
when you're in the grocery store and you hear a
Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce
department.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you
don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws
you curves...and that you're now sitting on
your biggest ones.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife
...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now
includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.
(more red and blue lines than an accurately
scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you want to grab every
firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those
things will too!
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side.
You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing
know-it-all teenager and think, "For this
I have stretch marks?
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go.
The only thing you still retain is water.
You become more reflective in midlife. You
start pondering the "big" questions-- what is
life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice
cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Gender Differences Using an ATM
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Driving Test
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Jokes for Women about Men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single Women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single Women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
Saturday, December 9, 2006
How do you get down from an elephant?
-How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck.
-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
So he could hide in the crayon box.
-Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Because they are so hard to iron.
-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.
-Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So no one will recognize them.
-Why are elephants such poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
-Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
You don't. You get down from a duck.
-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
So he could hide in the crayon box.
-Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Because they are so hard to iron.
-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.
-Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So no one will recognize them.
-Why are elephants such poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
-Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
Friday, December 8, 2006
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Things We Can Learn from a Dog
1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Men are Like...
...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.
...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...government bonds
they take so long to mature.
...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.m to be angry or upset.
they only show up when there's food on the table.
...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...government bonds
they take so long to mature.
...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.
...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.
...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.m to be angry or upset.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
The smashed kitty kat...
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse,and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat.
Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to thefarmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he,"Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed thatit must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you knowinstead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat?Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...
"He looks like thts" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"
The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to thefarmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he,"Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed thatit must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you knowinstead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat?Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...
"He looks like thts" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"
The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Questionnaire
Last name: _________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: _________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: ___________________
Relationship to spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Mother's Name: ___________________ Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? ___ Total number of vehicles that you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Where your firearms are kept: [_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom [_] bathroom [_] shed
Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain: _____________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not applicable
Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
How many?_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 200-400 miles [_] over 400 miles [_] what's a miles?
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: _________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: ___________________
Relationship to spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Mother's Name: ___________________ Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? ___ Total number of vehicles that you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Where your firearms are kept: [_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom [_] bathroom [_] shed
Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain: _____________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not applicable
Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
How many?_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 200-400 miles [_] over 400 miles [_] what's a miles?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Handmade Wooden USB Stick
Each Oooms Wooden USB Stick is unique and handmade in The Netherlands by tiny little renegade lumberjack gnomes who wear pointy red hats and smoke pipes after second breakfast. It's about $89 dollars for a 1GB stick, which makes us think that those crafty little gnomes keep a tidy sum of gold tucked away somewhere.
from : http://www.gadgetmadness.com
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
Perks of being over 40...
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Top 20 Things Your Lady Friend Will Never Tell You
1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste of cum.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down the bar with your friends?
5. That fart was great! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7. You're so sexy with a hangover.
8. I'd rather go and play Nintendo than go shopping.
9. Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
11. Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
12. I really like Rugby League, can you take me to a game?
13. You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14. Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15. I think a big ole Harley is a great idea.
16. I don't care if my butt looks big in this, let's just go and get shit-faced.
17. We haven't gone out with your friends for a while, shall we all go to the boozer this evening?
18. Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me?
19. I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time?
20. Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down the bar with your friends?
5. That fart was great! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
7. You're so sexy with a hangover.
8. I'd rather go and play Nintendo than go shopping.
9. Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
10. Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
11. Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
12. I really like Rugby League, can you take me to a game?
13. You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14. Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15. I think a big ole Harley is a great idea.
16. I don't care if my butt looks big in this, let's just go and get shit-faced.
17. We haven't gone out with your friends for a while, shall we all go to the boozer this evening?
18. Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me?
19. I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time?
20. Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
AFI's 100 YEARS...100 MOVIE QUOTES
1
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
GONE WITH THE WIND
1939
2
I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.
THE GODFATHER
1972
3
You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.
ON THE WATERFRONT
1954
4
Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
1939
5
Here's looking at you, kid.
CASABLANCA
1942
6
Go ahead, make my day.
SUDDEN IMPACT
1983
7
All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.
SUNSET BLVD.
1950
8
May the Force be with you.
STAR WARS
1977
9
Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.
ALL ABOUT EVE
1950
10
You talking to me?
TAXI DRIVER
1976
11
What we've got here is failure to communicate.
COOL HAND LUKE
1967
12
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
APOCALYPSE NOW
1979
13
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
LOVE STORY
1970
14
The stuff that dreams are made of.
THE MALTESE FALCON
1941
15
E.T. phone home.
E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
1982
16
They call me Mister Tibbs!
IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT
1967
17
Rosebud.
CITIZEN KANE
1941
18
Made it, Ma! Top of the world!
WHITE HEAT
1949
19
I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!
NETWORK
1976
20
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
CASABLANCA
1942
21
A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
1991
22
Bond. James Bond.
DR. NO
1962
23
There's no place like home.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
1939
24
I am big! It's the pictures that got small.
SUNSET BLVD.
1950
25
Show me the money!
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996
26
Why don't you come up sometime and see me?
SHE DONE HIM WRONG
1933
27
I'm walking here! I'm walking here!
MIDNIGHT COWBOY
1969
28
Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'
CASABLANCA
1942
29
You can't handle the truth!
A FEW GOOD MEN
1992
30
I want to be alone.
GRAND HOTEL
1932
31
After all, tomorrow is another day!
GONE WITH THE WIND
1939
32
Round up the usual suspects.
CASABLANCA
1942
33
I'll have what she's having.
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
1989
34
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.
TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT
1944
35
You're gonna need a bigger boat.
JAWS
1975
36
Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!
THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE
1948
37
I'll be back.
THE TERMINATOR
1984
38
Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES
1942
39
If you build it, he will come.
FIELD OF DREAMS
1989
40
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
FORREST GUMP
1994
41
We rob banks.
BONNIE AND CLYDE
1967
42
Plastics.
THE GRADUATE
1967
43
We'll always have Paris.
CASABLANCA
1942
44
I see dead people.
THE SIXTH SENSE
1999
45
Stella! Hey, Stella!
A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
1951
46
Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars.
NOW, VOYAGER
1942
47
Shane. Shane. Come back!
SHANE
1953
48
Well, nobody's perfect.
SOME LIKE IT HOT
1959
49
It's alive! It's alive!
FRANKENSTEIN
1931
50
Houston, we have a problem.
APOLLO 13
1995
51
You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?
DIRTY HARRY
1971
52
You had me at "hello."
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996
53
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
ANIMAL CRACKERS
1930
54
There's no crying in baseball!
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
1992
55
La-dee-da, la-dee-da.
ANNIE HALL
1977
56
A boy's best friend is his mother.
PSYCHO
1960
57
Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.
WALL STREET
1987
58
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
THE GODFATHER II
1974
59
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.
GONE WITH THE WIND
1939
60
Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!
SONS OF THE DESERT
1933
61
Say "hello" to my little friend!
SCARFACE
1983
62
What a dump.
BEYOND THE FOREST
1949
63
Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?
THE GRADUATE
1967
64
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
DR. STRANGELOVE
1964
65
Elementary, my dear Watson.
THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
1939
66
Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.
PLANET OF THE APES
1968
67
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
CASABLANCA
1942
68
Here's Johnny!
THE SHINING
1980
69
They're here!
POLTERGEIST
1982
70
Is it safe?
MARATHON MAN
1976
71
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!
THE JAZZ SINGER
1927
72
No wire hangers, ever!
MOMMIE DEAREST
1981
73
Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?
LITTLE CAESAR
1930
74
Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
CHINATOWN
1974
75
I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
1951
76
Hasta la vista, baby.
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
1991
77
Soylent Green is people!
SOYLENT GREEN
1973
78
Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
1968
79
Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious…and don't call me Shirley.
AIRPLANE!
1980
80
Yo, Adrian!
ROCKY
1976
81
Hello, gorgeous.
FUNNY GIRL
1968
82
Toga! Toga!
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE
1978
83
Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.
DRACULA
1931
84
Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast.
KING KONG
1933
85
My precious.
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: TWO TOWERS
2002
86
Attica! Attica!
DOG DAY AFTERNOON
1975
87
Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!
42ND STREET
1933
88
Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!
ON GOLDEN POND
1981
89
Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.
KNUTE ROCKNE ALL AMERICAN
1940
90
A martini. Shaken, not stirred.
GOLDFINGER
1964
91
Who's on first.
THE NAUGHTY NINETIES
1945
92
Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
CADDYSHACK
1980
93
Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!
AUNTIE MAME
1958
94
I feel the need - the need for speed!
TOP GUN
1986
95
Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
1989
96
Snap out of it!
MOONSTRUCK
1987
97
My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.
YANKEE DOODLE DANDY
1942
98
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
DIRTY DANCING
1987
99
I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
WIZARD OF OZ, THE
1939
100
I'm king of the world!
TITANIC
1997
From : http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx#list
1
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
GONE WITH THE WIND
1939
2
I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.
THE GODFATHER
1972
3
You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.
ON THE WATERFRONT
1954
4
Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
1939
5
Here's looking at you, kid.
CASABLANCA
1942
6
Go ahead, make my day.
SUDDEN IMPACT
1983
7
All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.
SUNSET BLVD.
1950
8
May the Force be with you.
STAR WARS
1977
9
Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.
ALL ABOUT EVE
1950
10
You talking to me?
TAXI DRIVER
1976
11
What we've got here is failure to communicate.
COOL HAND LUKE
1967
12
I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
APOCALYPSE NOW
1979
13
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
LOVE STORY
1970
14
The stuff that dreams are made of.
THE MALTESE FALCON
1941
15
E.T. phone home.
E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
1982
16
They call me Mister Tibbs!
IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT
1967
17
Rosebud.
CITIZEN KANE
1941
18
Made it, Ma! Top of the world!
WHITE HEAT
1949
19
I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!
NETWORK
1976
20
Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
CASABLANCA
1942
21
A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
1991
22
Bond. James Bond.
DR. NO
1962
23
There's no place like home.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
1939
24
I am big! It's the pictures that got small.
SUNSET BLVD.
1950
25
Show me the money!
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996
26
Why don't you come up sometime and see me?
SHE DONE HIM WRONG
1933
27
I'm walking here! I'm walking here!
MIDNIGHT COWBOY
1969
28
Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'
CASABLANCA
1942
29
You can't handle the truth!
A FEW GOOD MEN
1992
30
I want to be alone.
GRAND HOTEL
1932
31
After all, tomorrow is another day!
GONE WITH THE WIND
1939
32
Round up the usual suspects.
CASABLANCA
1942
33
I'll have what she's having.
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
1989
34
You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.
TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT
1944
35
You're gonna need a bigger boat.
JAWS
1975
36
Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!
THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE
1948
37
I'll be back.
THE TERMINATOR
1984
38
Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
THE PRIDE OF THE YANKEES
1942
39
If you build it, he will come.
FIELD OF DREAMS
1989
40
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
FORREST GUMP
1994
41
We rob banks.
BONNIE AND CLYDE
1967
42
Plastics.
THE GRADUATE
1967
43
We'll always have Paris.
CASABLANCA
1942
44
I see dead people.
THE SIXTH SENSE
1999
45
Stella! Hey, Stella!
A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
1951
46
Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars.
NOW, VOYAGER
1942
47
Shane. Shane. Come back!
SHANE
1953
48
Well, nobody's perfect.
SOME LIKE IT HOT
1959
49
It's alive! It's alive!
FRANKENSTEIN
1931
50
Houston, we have a problem.
APOLLO 13
1995
51
You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?
DIRTY HARRY
1971
52
You had me at "hello."
JERRY MAGUIRE
1996
53
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.
ANIMAL CRACKERS
1930
54
There's no crying in baseball!
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
1992
55
La-dee-da, la-dee-da.
ANNIE HALL
1977
56
A boy's best friend is his mother.
PSYCHO
1960
57
Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.
WALL STREET
1987
58
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
THE GODFATHER II
1974
59
As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.
GONE WITH THE WIND
1939
60
Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!
SONS OF THE DESERT
1933
61
Say "hello" to my little friend!
SCARFACE
1983
62
What a dump.
BEYOND THE FOREST
1949
63
Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?
THE GRADUATE
1967
64
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
DR. STRANGELOVE
1964
65
Elementary, my dear Watson.
THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
1939
66
Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.
PLANET OF THE APES
1968
67
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
CASABLANCA
1942
68
Here's Johnny!
THE SHINING
1980
69
They're here!
POLTERGEIST
1982
70
Is it safe?
MARATHON MAN
1976
71
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!
THE JAZZ SINGER
1927
72
No wire hangers, ever!
MOMMIE DEAREST
1981
73
Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?
LITTLE CAESAR
1930
74
Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
CHINATOWN
1974
75
I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
1951
76
Hasta la vista, baby.
TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
1991
77
Soylent Green is people!
SOYLENT GREEN
1973
78
Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
1968
79
Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious…and don't call me Shirley.
AIRPLANE!
1980
80
Yo, Adrian!
ROCKY
1976
81
Hello, gorgeous.
FUNNY GIRL
1968
82
Toga! Toga!
NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE
1978
83
Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.
DRACULA
1931
84
Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast.
KING KONG
1933
85
My precious.
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: TWO TOWERS
2002
86
Attica! Attica!
DOG DAY AFTERNOON
1975
87
Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!
42ND STREET
1933
88
Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!
ON GOLDEN POND
1981
89
Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.
KNUTE ROCKNE ALL AMERICAN
1940
90
A martini. Shaken, not stirred.
GOLDFINGER
1964
91
Who's on first.
THE NAUGHTY NINETIES
1945
92
Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
CADDYSHACK
1980
93
Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!
AUNTIE MAME
1958
94
I feel the need - the need for speed!
TOP GUN
1986
95
Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
1989
96
Snap out of it!
MOONSTRUCK
1987
97
My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.
YANKEE DOODLE DANDY
1942
98
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
DIRTY DANCING
1987
99
I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
WIZARD OF OZ, THE
1939
100
I'm king of the world!
TITANIC
1997
From : http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx#list
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