Things that you should NEVER say to a woman during an argument:

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

The Universal Excuse Form...

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

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Dear
a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief, f) Near & dear friend

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm f) Snow Mobile

was severely damaged by my
a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but
nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the
a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni f) Ski Doo

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house b) wife c) Mistress d) Cub Scout troop e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The
subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d)
appreciate e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that
you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e)
gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond f) just shoot me

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around at
a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me

You Know Your're Trailer Trash When...

Your junior prom had a daycare.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

Funny pic

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PAGAN IF...

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it ... ...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb... ...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...You may be a redneck Pagan.

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest, Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom, Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu... Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your children and your dog have the same magical name (Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"... Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...You may be a redneck Pagan!

If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.... You're probably a redneck Pagan!

Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it, Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket... You're probably a redneck Pagan.


Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well then...You may be a redneck Pagan.

Now if your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson..... Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blindfolded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the Superbowl...Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks... You're probably a redneck Pagan!

If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's", or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...You are definitely a redneck Pagan!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear :

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"

9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"

8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!

2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"

1. He ran out of gum

Lessons from X-rated movies.

Women wear high heels to bed.
Men are never impotent.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women always orgasm when men do.
People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Asian men don't exist.
When your girlfriend busts with her best friend,she'll only be momentarily mad before having sex the both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a penis there.
Men don't have to beg.