Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Men know...
Men know...that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know...that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know...that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know...that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
Men know...never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know...how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know...exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know...that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know...that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do,for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know...that there is no such thing as a sure thing,unless her name is Bambi.
Men know...that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know...that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Men know...that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know...that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know...that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.
Men know...never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know...how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know...exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know...that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know...that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do,for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know...that there is no such thing as a sure thing,unless her name is Bambi.
Men know...that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
Men know...that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.
Friday, February 23, 2007
I'm tired
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing,this leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.
No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing,this leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.
No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The Top 13 Talking Cigarette Pack Quotes
13."Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes you sound as cool as you look."
12."[Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth."
11."Don't worry; you have an extra lung."
10."All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn't nearly as annoying, is it?"
9."...That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning."
8."Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a carrot stick?"
7."Betcha can't smoke just one."
6."I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy."
5."Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don't pay themselves, you know."
4."The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy."
3."Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster."
2."You have smoked... THREE... packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in... FIVE... years." and the Number 1 Talking Cigarette Pack Quote...
1."Hey, Cowboy! You smell like Slash's hair!"
12."[Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth."
11."Don't worry; you have an extra lung."
10."All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn't nearly as annoying, is it?"
9."...That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning."
8."Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a carrot stick?"
7."Betcha can't smoke just one."
6."I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy."
5."Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don't pay themselves, you know."
4."The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy."
3."Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster."
2."You have smoked... THREE... packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in... FIVE... years." and the Number 1 Talking Cigarette Pack Quote...
1."Hey, Cowboy! You smell like Slash's hair!"
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Rules Guys Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
Monday, February 19, 2007
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
My Darling Son Letter
Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me.
I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even
watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm
actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it
or those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer
clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.
Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name.
The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and
dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.
Happy New Year.
Love,
Mom
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me.
I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even
watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm
actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it
or those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer
clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.
Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name.
The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and
dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.
Happy New Year.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman...
1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!
Monday, February 12, 2007
OLD LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on
your wedding day.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex
inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before
being allowed to approach the scene.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car. (Thank God for that!)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style
position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
your wedding day.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex
inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before
being allowed to approach the scene.
Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car. (Thank God for that!)
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style
position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Rules For Men
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants hi
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants hi
Thursday, February 8, 2007
A List of VERY SHORT Lists. . .
List of Golf Courses that do not allow Doctors
List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran
List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery
List of Home cures for Ebola Virus
List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
List of Catholic Abortion referral services
List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's
List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
List of Battered Men's Help Groups
List of Cuban registered voters
List of Libyan registered women voters
List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers
List of Libyan women lawyers
List of Libyan women with PHD's
List of Libyan Women Service Clubs
List of interstate Highways with no Numbers
List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut
List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy
List of People who can whistle while drinking beer
List of Pregnant Men
List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time
List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games
List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings
List of Midgets over 6 foot tall
List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran
List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery
List of Home cures for Ebola Virus
List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
List of Catholic Abortion referral services
List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's
List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
List of Battered Men's Help Groups
List of Cuban registered voters
List of Libyan registered women voters
List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers
List of Libyan women lawyers
List of Libyan women with PHD's
List of Libyan Women Service Clubs
List of interstate Highways with no Numbers
List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut
List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy
List of People who can whistle while drinking beer
List of Pregnant Men
List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time
List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games
List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings
List of Midgets over 6 foot tall
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Sunday, February 4, 2007
What Not to Say to a Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Bar Translations
"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
--You stuck up little -----, too good for your old friends??
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
--I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
--If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
--You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
--I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"Excuse Me." (male to male)
--Get the f--- out of the way.
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
--You stuck up little -----, too good for your old friends??
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
--I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
--If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
--You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
--I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"Excuse Me." (male to male)
--Get the f--- out of the way.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Actual Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally,I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally,I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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