Things that you should NEVER say to a woman during an argument:

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

The Universal Excuse Form...

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear
a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief, f) Near & dear friend

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm f) Snow Mobile

was severely damaged by my
a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but
nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the
a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni f) Ski Doo

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house b) wife c) Mistress d) Cub Scout troop e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The
subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d)
appreciate e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that
you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e)
gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond f) just shoot me

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around at
a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me

You Know Your're Trailer Trash When...

Your junior prom had a daycare.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PAGAN IF...

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it ... ...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb... ...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...You may be a redneck Pagan.

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest, Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom, Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu... Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your children and your dog have the same magical name (Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"... Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...You may be a redneck Pagan!

If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.... You're probably a redneck Pagan!

Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it, Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket... You're probably a redneck Pagan.


Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well then...You may be a redneck Pagan.

Now if your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson..... Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blindfolded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...You may be a redneck Pagan.

If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the Superbowl...Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks... You're probably a redneck Pagan!

If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's", or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...You are definitely a redneck Pagan!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear :

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"

9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"

8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called "strategy"

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me!

2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"

1. He ran out of gum

Lessons from X-rated movies.

Women wear high heels to bed.
Men are never impotent.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
Women always orgasm when men do.
People in the 70's couldn't shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Asian men don't exist.
When your girlfriend busts with her best friend,she'll only be momentarily mad before having sex the both of you.
Women never have headaches... or periods.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a penis there.
Men don't have to beg.

The Top 10 Things Firefighters Say To The Owner of a House on Fire

10) "You been playing with matches again?"
9) "Sorry we're late but we couldn't find that damn Dalmation."
8) "Hot enough for ya?"
7) "If you want, we can help this spread to your neighbor's house."
6) "Did you Stop,Drop and Roll?...If not, you better get your ass back in there and do it right!"
5) "That blaze would make one hell of a marshmallow roast."
4) "Based on this sir, I'd say your son is DEFINITELY a pyromaniac."
3) "The religious right just called...can they use what's left of your house for a bookburning?"
2) "I know its not much compared to losing everything but I'll let you ring the siren once before we leave."
1) "What was that catchy Talkin' Heads song.."Burnin' Down the...Oh,sorry."

Sexy or cute?

I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S EASY BUT...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.

Her body has been declared a national recreation area.

Her diaphragms come with a service contract.

She has an IUD with a beeper.

Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.

Her pantyhose has a pet door.

Why Bicycles are better than Women...

Bicycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
Bicycles don't have parents.
Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.
If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.
If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.
If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.
You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The Woman's Handbook - about Men...

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Pee Wee Herman is unquestionably gay.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Funny pic

You know you are a bad cook when...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!"

Joke

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Funny pics

Men know...

Men know...that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know...that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know...that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know...that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Men know...never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know...how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know...exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know...that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know...that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do,for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know...that there is no such thing as a sure thing,unless her name is Bambi.

Men know...that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know...that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

I'm tired

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing,this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!

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The Top 13 Talking Cigarette Pack Quotes

13."Warning: cigarettes give you a raspy voice that makes you sound as cool as you look."

12."[Cough] [hack hack] [cough] [thpt] Smooooth."

11."Don't worry; you have an extra lung."

10."All of a sudden, your wife nagging you about smoking isn't nearly as annoying, is it?"

9."...That was the sound of a 65-year-old smoker hocking up a lung oyster at three in the morning."

8."Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a carrot stick?"

7."Betcha can't smoke just one."

6."I have less tar and nicotine than the leading brands, you big pansy."

5."Buy another pack. Tobacco settlements don't pay themselves, you know."

4."The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy."

3."Each cigarette shortens your life by three minutes, so smoke faster."

2."You have smoked... THREE... packs today. At this rate you will develop emphysema in... FIVE... years." and the Number 1 Talking Cigarette Pack Quote...

1."Hey, Cowboy! You smell like Slash's hair!"

Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.

I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Nice toilet

My Darling Son Letter

Dearest Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry about poor old me.
I'm just fine considering I can't breathe, or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your lonely ailing mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even
watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off another gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry none about your poor old mother.
I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off last week, and I'm
actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant agonizing pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it
or those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer
clothes that gold-digger demands you to buy her.

Give my love to my darling Grand-babies and my regards to that wench what's-her-name.
The one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, by seducing you and
dragging you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.

Happy New Year.

Love,
Mom

Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman...

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!

3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.

6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!

7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!

8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?

10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt is fat!

OLD LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on
your wedding day.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex
inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before
being allowed to approach the scene.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car. (Thank God for that!)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style
position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

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Rules For Men

1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants hi

A List of VERY SHORT Lists. . .

List of Golf Courses that do not allow Doctors
List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran
List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery
List of Home cures for Ebola Virus
List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
List of Catholic Abortion referral services
List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's
List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
List of Battered Men's Help Groups
List of Cuban registered voters
List of Libyan registered women voters
List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers
List of Libyan women lawyers
List of Libyan women with PHD's
List of Libyan Women Service Clubs
List of interstate Highways with no Numbers
List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut
List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy
List of People who can whistle while drinking beer
List of Pregnant Men
List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time
List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games
List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings
List of Midgets over 6 foot tall

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What Not to Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Bar Translations

"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
--Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
--You stuck up little -----, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
--I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
--If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
--You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
--I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse Me." (male to male)
--Get the f--- out of the way.

Funny pics

Actual Essay

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.

3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally,I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.


2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think
about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.


3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with
your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.


4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B.For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

Zebra car

Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.(duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these
instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.(And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops...Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what...use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women
(and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet
and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Funny pic

Good Girls and Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Inventions by Blondes

1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Pedal-powered wheel chairs
11. Waterproof tea bags
12. Watermelon seed sorter
13. Zero proof alcohol
14. Reuseable ice cubes
15. See-through toilet tissue
16. Skinless bananas
17. Do-it-yourself road map
18. Turnip ice cream
19. Toe implants
20. An all white flag
21. Rolls Royce pickup truck
22. Helicopter Ejector Seat

Edtoys

New Definitions To Learn

SALESMAN : man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL : person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC : a person wow you are.

FOREIGN FILM : any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST : girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE : bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE : The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS : Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA : When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET : A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER : A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO : Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

The Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff,I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy.Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

Giant Chair

How Adam had it easy...

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

College Classes For Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Funny pic

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they
were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room
to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her
repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had
gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and
electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen,
shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from
his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank
of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until
that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty
of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs,
all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Bomber didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to
bits.

Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press:

1...You Are Different and That's Bad
2...The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3...Dad's New Wife Robert
4...Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5...Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6...The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7...Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8...Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9...All Cats Go to Hell!
10...The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11...Some Kittens Can Fly.
12...That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13...Grandpa Gets a Casket
14...The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15...Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
16...The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17...Strangers Have the Best Candy
18...Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19...You Were an Accident
20...Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21...Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22...The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23...Your Nightmares Are Real
24...Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25...Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26...Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27...Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28...Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Post-it Jaguar

from : http://www.funpic.hu

Q & A : Elephant

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a
pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Funny pic

Out of the Mouths of Children

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say: "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or That's Michael. He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead".
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat! I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Calling In Sick

Time to Call In Sick...I've Provided Excuses...
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

Woman Bashing

For Men Tired of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes:
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

3D Street Art

Who can understand men?

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think
we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a
womans job to stomp on them and keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner
with.

Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Geek Quiz

1. I have moss growing:
A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:
A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4. I think sheep are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5. The Usenet Oracle is:
A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:
A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7. Bill Gates is:
A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist

8. In general, people:
A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?

9. My friends are:
A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10. My dream vacation is:
A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11. My job prospects are:
A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?









Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.
19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.
13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.
7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...
0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?

Definitions

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.........A source of entertainment, self-statement, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels.

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