You know you are a bad cook when...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!"